Hold My Hand and I Won't Die
by Miriam Etingof
Summary: Lovino is suddenly strongly disliked by everyone; even his brother and the love of his life, Antonio... of course Toni doesn't know that yet. Lovino searches through a stormy night for a welcoming home, but he is turned away every time. He decides to end his life, and that everyone would be better off without him... but what he doesn't know is how much they care...


Hold my Hand and I Won't Die

A SPAMANO Fanfiction - By Miriam Etingof

"Lovino, what are you doing here? You are not welcome. Grandpa Rome said so. Go away!" Feliciano slams the door in Lovino's face. Lovino had just come home from a long trip to Antonio's house, on business (he wasn't willing to say he missed the damn bastard), and he was exhausted. Startled, lost and confused, Lovino went to Ludwig's house. He hated the guy, but he thought, maybe if I ask him, he'll knock some sense into that damn idiot I call my brother, since Feli worships him like a fucking GOD.

As Lovino approaches Ludwig's cabin, it begins to rain. It's cold up north where Ludwig lives, and Lovino wasn't used to it. He quickened his pace because he was afraid he would freeze to death if he were too slow. Lovino knocks cautiously.

"Feliciano, I told you. I don't have time to play football with you! Too many wurst exports I have to fulfill!" Lovino heard Ludwig's loud, commanding voice behind the door, followed by heavy footsteps. The old, rickety wooden door swung open with such force that the light breeze it created mussed Lovino's hair. "L-Lovino, what in God's name are you doing here? I thought you hated me. Oh Lord, what did Feliciano do?"

"H-he k-kicked me out. I th-thought you c-could knock s-some sense into h-him." Lovino was shivering from the cold rain that was biting at his cheeks.

"I'm afraid I can't help you. Feliciano…. GO AWAY, LOVINO! I DON'T NEED TWO MORONS IN MY LIFE!" Ludwig slammed the door almost the same way Feliciano did. Lovino turned and ran. Ran as fast as his skinny, wet legs could carry him. He ran and ran until he got to the Swiss-Italian border. Then he stopped and stared at the place where he once lived.

"INTRUDER! GO AWAY, GO AWAY, AND GO AWAY! I HAVE A GUN AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO SHOOT YOU. MERCILESSLY! LEAVE, VILE HOMELESS SCUM!" Vash's harshly sharp voice rang through the midnight air. Lovino heard a blank go off behind him and saw a couple Swiss guards running his way in the distance. Lovino quickly crossed the border into Northern Italy, sat on the nearest fountain wall, and cried. He cried for hours. He himself didn't know he could cry that much in a lifetime.

Why does everyone hate me? What did I do wrong? I'm such a terrible person, what's there to live for if no one likes me? No even my own brother, he thought, wiping away tears and rainwater from his face, only to feel them get replenished by a fresh sob. He then stopped crying for a moment, because he heard people running. Running his way. He saw they were coming from Feliciano's house, and they were dressed in black uniforms. The secret police, Lovino thought. He got up and ran. His legs were already bruised and cut from his run through Germany and Switzerland. He felt a burning pain, but he kept running. Running and running and running.

Lovino went back to Antonio's house. He hoped Antonio didn't hate him yet. After all, they had seen each other the day before with good relations. He was about to knock on the door when he saw a little note tied to the doorknob with a red satin ribbon. T-Toni seals his letters with red ribbon… Lovino thought. He ripped it off the brass doorknob and looked it over. It was addressed to him. He quickly tore it open and read its contents.

_Dear Lovino._

_Don't bother knocking. I won't answer. _

_Please leave as quickly as you came._

_I knew you would return._

_But now I must disappoint you._

_Please leave and don't come back. Ever._

_Buenos noches,_

_Antonio_

At that moment, Lovino was completely and utterly heartbroken. How could Antonio, who had been so nice and hospitable to him the day before be so ruthless and unkind now? Lovino looked at the letter and noticed the tomato stains in the corner. Classic Toni, Lovino thought, eating a tomato while writing the most painful letter of all time. Lovino tore up the letter in a fit of angry despair. He chipped a bit of the stone tile of the pathway by the door with the still in tact part of the heel of his shoe. Lovino picked up the jagged bit of rough stone and turned it over in his hand. He shoved it in his pocket and went to find the nearest municipal restroom; not running this time, for he was too hurt and drained for vigorous physical activity.

Once Lovino found one that was clean enough to stand in without vomiting, he locked himself inside. He rolled up his sleeves and took out the little piece of stone from Antonio's pathway. He let the water run from the sink.

_Everyone would be better off if I were gone._

_After all, they said so themselves._

_Vash, Ludwig, Feliciano…_

_Antonio._

He looked in the mirror and smiled.

_I love you, Antonio._

And then he jabbed the shard of stone into the side of his neck.

"AHHHHH!" Lovino awoke with a start.

"Lovi, you're alive! ALIVE!" Antonio rushed up to Lovino's hospital bed.

"WHERE THE FUCK AM I, YOU BASTARD?" Lovino looked at his surroundings. "F-feli? Francis? Arthur? Alfred? Ivan? Even you, Ludwig? You're all here to see… me?" The room was overcome by a chorus of "We missed you!" and "We're super glad you're not dead!". Lovino felt the tiniest hint of a smile crawl across his face.

Later that night, once all his guests had left, Lovino was just about to go to sleep when he heard Antonio's deep, romantic voice drift softly from the windowsill. Lovino looked at Antonio's still silhouette as Antonio began talking.

"You locked yourself in the bathroom last night. You let the water run and cut your wrists with a small razor blade. I found you a couple hours later, unconscious and not breathing on the soaking wet bathroom floor. Blood was flowing in a steady stream from your wrists, chest and some spots in your forearm." Antonio was looking out the window, not once looking Lovino in the eye. Lovino remembered nothing of this, which made sense considering he did not know where he was. "Lovino, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONE FOR GOOD!" Antonio threw himself onto Lovino, who was very surprised and at a loss for words. Antonio began to sob violently into the front of Lovino's hospital robe. Lovino felt a sharp pain in his chest where Antonio's head was resting. He looked down to see he was heavily bandaged, something he had failed to see in the day's commotion. He looked at his wrists, which were in splints.

"LOVI, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE IF YOU WERE ACTUALLY GONE. I WOULD JUMP OFF A BRIDGE TO SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE. OH LOVINO, LOVINO!..." Antonio's sobs faded into Lovino's hospital robe.

"Don't be sad, Toni. I won't die, Toni. I love you, Toni."


End file.
